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Oh my God. I'm the tin dog.

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You are viewing 25 entries, 25 into the past.

23rd June 2017

12:01am: 36^2
Ossoff has learned what Hillary already knew:

Why Participant stickers are always blue.

22nd June 2017

12:01am: 1295
Q ) How do you tell a Democrat at a gunfight?

A ) Nobody else is allowed to have a gun.

21st June 2017

12:01am: 1294
The Clintons decide to throw a costume party, and Senator Al Franken and billionaire Al Gore are two of the invited. The two Als decide they'll show how thrifty they are by sharing a government limousine, but when they meet on the night they discover they're both wearing bear suits: Gore is going as the Climate Agreement economy, and Franken as the Obamacare economy. Neither will change his costume, so they spend the ride criticizing each other.

This ends as soon as they enter the mansion, as they are immediately thrown to the ground and violated. After that's over and they can stop screaming, they hear Hillary say, "Throw those sluts out! It's all their fault! How do they expect Bill to react to a couple of bear boobs?"

17th June 2017

3:11pm: By golly, I STILL aten't dead...
...although medical Brahmanism has done its best.

I finally ordered amoxicillin and levofloxacin from Switzerland, based on my observation that these bactericidals came with the most dire warnings on Wikipedia*. They arrived from India four days ago, and the sinus and throat infection I've been fighting since January 2016 is now on the ropes.

For $358 of my $875/mo. disability, I bought 30 days' supply at the dosage I decided on: 3000mg/day Amox, 1500 mg/day Levf. For both me and Valerie, who has been fighting the damn thing for months herself. What breeds superbugs is underprescribing antibiotics: physicians giving patients minimal dosages.

We are not going to be victims of ignorant AMA dogma any longer.




(*A website which some of you may be familiar with; it's a vanity message board for Harvard alumni)

2nd June 2017

12:01am: 1293
Q) What does the American Medical Association call Hillary Clinton?

A) If they know what's good for them, "Natural Causes".

28th May 2017

12:01am: 1292
Anti-vaccination activists kill more people than guns do.

But refusal to vaccinate your children will not protect you from a tyrant, so nobody persecutes those monsters.

26th May 2017

6:20pm: Rockin' robin
I have finally broken down and started a Twitter account: MatthewJHarrington.

24th May 2017

12:01am: 1291
There were not nearly enough descriptions of Deadpool in the movie, even in the outtakes.

Therefore:

Like John Malkovich fucked a troll.

Like a freezeframe of a pink balloon just as it's popping.

Like what Gumby did to the Blockhead that shot Pokey.

Like a mannequin assembled by a blind optometrist out of mashed potatoes made with a dash of cranberry juice.

Like the masturbation fantasy of a phrenologist.





...I feel so much better now.

Anybody else got some?

22nd May 2017

12:01am: 1290
Many men never get in touch with their feminine side. I have. Turns out she's a raging bitch.

21st May 2017

12:01am: 1289
I have never actually taken leave of my senses. I'm on a timeshare.

20th May 2017

12:01am: 1288
Up until fairly recently, Moslems displayed no objection to being called Moslems. Then, coinciding with the recent upturn in terrorism, it suddenly became "offensive" to call Moslems Moslems, and "considerate" to call Moslems "Muslims".

This also corresponds to cries of indignation that Moslems are obliged to live by any law other than sharia law in countries which are not Moslem.

Anyone who sincerely feels that this is not just a dominance trip that the Religion of World Conquest is pulling on the rest of us to soften us up, and who is really considerate and not just a collaborator, will obviously have not the slightest objection to referring to me as Matthew the Unforetold, Wingman of Civilization.

19th May 2017

12:01am: 1287
As President, I will publicly acknowledge what every Moslem already knows, to wit:

Islam is at war with all that is not Islam, and this is no metaphor but a bloody war of conquest, with no mercy or humanity displayed toward those who are not on the side of the conquerors.

I will also show that this state of affairs has existed in practice since AD 609.

I will then have every person who has given aid and comfort to an enemy in time of war arrested for treason, and tried before the Supreme Court.

I will also have every person who has acted to prevent our defense, as by overruling orders to keep persons from terrorist nests out of the country, arrested for sabotage and tried by military tribunal.

Any person self-identifying as Moslem may avoid all legal difficulty by swearing to another Moslem* that he** will engage in no act of war against the United States of America under any circumstances***.





(*Making false statements under oath to a non-Moslem is not only permitted at all times, but compulsory if it will be to the advantage of any Moslem.)

(**Any woman self-identifying as Moslem is deluded. Islamic law says that a slave who becomes a Moslem must be freed, but also makes it abundantly clear that all women are property. As any women who were Moslem would no longer be property, clearly a woman cannot be a Moslem.)

(***This will of course make him a heretic, and thus under sentence of summary execution by any Moslem who sees him. However, any Moslem who attacks him will be shot dead and buried in pig hide painted with menstrual blood; so I do not expect many attacks.)

7th May 2017

12:01am: 1286
As President I shall open every meeting with the Vulcan hand greeting.

1st May 2017

12:01am: 1285
The only reason to put words in someone else's mouth is if your own is too full of bullshit.

30th April 2017

12:01am: WALPURGISNACHT!
Today, by sheer coincidence, is the birthday of Larry Niven.

29th April 2017

12:01am: 1284
"Why is the second floor of your house extended out on pylons?"

"It's a long story."

28th April 2017

12:01am: 1283
As President I promise to have every news performer who passes on rumors about me-- and any story where someone refuses to be cited as a source is, bluntly, nothing but a rumor-- audited.

27th April 2017

1:20am: I completely forgot this
Squire O'Bama, operating to make us even more free, ordered the DHS to monitor the Internet and flag the following words as marking a Suspicious Character:

Department of Homeland Security (DHS)
Federal Emergency Management Agency (FEMA)
Coast Guard (USCG)
Customs and Border Protection (CBP)
Border Patrol
Secret Service (USSS)
National Operations Center (NOC)
Homeland Defense
Immigration Customs Enforcement (ICE)
Agent
Task Force
Central Intelligence Agency (CIA)
Fusion Center
Drug Enforcement Agency (DEA)
Secure Border Initiative (SBI)
Federal Bureau of Investigation (FBI)
Alcohol Tobacco and Firearms (ATF)
U.S. Citizenship and Immigration Services (CIS)
Federal Air Marshal Service (FAMS)
Transportation Security Administration (TSA)
Air Marshal
Federal Aviation Administration (FAA)
National Guard
Red Cross
United Nations (UN)
Assassination
Attack
Domestic security
Drill
Exercise
Cops
Law enforcement
Authorities
Disaster assistance
Disaster management
DNDO (Domestic Nuclear Detection Office)
National preparedness
Mitigation
Prevention
Response
Recovery
Dirty bomb
Domestic nuclear detection
Emergency management
Emergency response
First responder
Homeland security
Maritime domain awareness (MDA)
National preparedness initiative
Militia Shooting
Shots fired
Evacuation
Deaths
Hostage
Explosion (explosive)
Police
Disaster medical assistance team (DMAT)
Organized crime
Gangs
National security
State of emergency
Security
Breach
Threat
Standoff
SWAT
Screening
Lockdown
Bomb (squad or threat)
Crash
Looting
Riot
Emergency
Landing
Pipe bomb
Incident
Facility
Hazmat
Nuclear
Chemical spill
Suspicious package/device
Toxic
National laboratory
Nuclear facility
Nuclear threat
Cloud
Plume
Radiation
Radioactive
Leak
Biological infection (or event)
Chemical
Chemical burn
Biological
Epidemic
Hazardous
Hazardous material incident
Industrial spill
Infection
Powder (white)
Gas
Spillover
Anthrax
Blister agent
Chemical agent
Exposure
Burn
Nerve agent
Ricin
Sarin
North Korea
Outbreak
Contamination
Exposure
Virus
Evacuation
Bacteria
Recall
Ebola
Food Poisoning
Foot and Mouth (FMD)
H5N1
Avian
Flu
Salmonella
Small Pox
Plague
Human to human
Human to Animal
Influenza
Center for Disease Control (CDC)
Drug Administration (FDA)
Public Health
Toxic Agro
Terror Tuberculosis (TB)
Agriculture
Listeria
Symptoms
Mutation
Resistant
Antiviral
Wave
Pandemic
Infection
Water/air borne
Sick
Swine
Pork
Strain
Quarantine
H1N1
Vaccine
Tamiflu
Norvo Virus
Epidemic
World Health Organization (WHO) (and components)
Viral Hemorrhagic Fever
E. Coli
Infrastructure security
Airport
CIKR (Critical Infrastructure & Key Resources)
AMTRAK
Collapse
Computer infrastructure
Communications infrastructure
Telecommunications
Critical infrastructure
National infrastructure
Metro
WMATA
Airplane (and derivatives)
Chemical fire
Subway
BART
MARTA
Port Authority
NBIC (National Biosurveillance Integration Center)
Transportation security
Grid
Power
Smart
Body scanner
Electric
Failure or outage
Black out
Brown out
Port
Dock
Bridge
Cancelled
Delays
Service disruption
Power lines
Drug cartel
Violence
Gang
Drug
Narcotics
Cocaine
Marijuana
Heroin
Border
Mexico
Cartel
Southwest
Juarez
Sinaloa
Tijuana
Torreon
Yuma
Tucson
Decapitated
U.S. Consulate
Consular
El Paso
Fort Hancock
San Diego
Ciudad Juarez
Nogales
Sonora
Colombia
Mara salvatrucha
MS13 or MS-13
Drug war
Mexican army
Methamphetamine
Cartel de Golfo
Gulf Cartel
La Familia
Reynosa
Nuevo Leon
Narcos
Narco banners (Spanish equivalents)
Los Zetas
Shootout
Execution
Gunfight
Trafficking
Kidnap
Calderon
Reyosa
Bust
Tamaulipas
Meth Lab
Drug trade
Illegal immigrants
Smuggling (smugglers)
Matamoros
Michoacana
Guzman
Arellano-Felix
Beltran-Leyva
Barrio Azteca
Artistic Assassins
Mexicles
New Federation
Terrorism
Al Qaeda (all spellings)
Terror
Attack
Iraq
Afghanistan
Iran
Pakistan
Agro
Environmental terrorist
Eco terrorism
Conventional weapon
Target
Weapons grade
Dirty bomb
Enriched
Nuclear
Chemical weapon
Biological weapon
Ammonium nitrate
Improvised explosive device
IED (Improvised Explosive Device)
Abu Sayyaf
Hamas
FARC (Armed Revolutionary Forces Colombia)
IRA (Irish Republican Army)
ETA (Euskadi ta Askatasuna)
Basque Separatists
Hezbollah
Tamil Tigers
PLF (Palestine Liberation Front)
PLO (Palestine Liberation Organization
Car bomb
Jihad
Taliban
Weapons cache
Suicide bomber
Suicide attack
Suspicious substance
AQAP (AL Qaeda Arabian Peninsula)
AQIM (Al Qaeda in the Islamic Maghreb)
TTP (Tehrik-i-Taliban Pakistan)
Yemen
Pirates
Extremism
Somalia
Nigeria
Radicals
Al-Shabaab
Home grown
Plot
Nationalist
Recruitment
Fundamentalism
Islamist
Emergency
Hurricane
Tornado
Twister
Tsunami
Earthquake
Tremor
Flood
Storm
Crest
Temblor
Extreme weather
Forest fire
Brush fire
Ice
Stranded/Stuck
Help
Hail
Wildfire
Tsunami Warning Center
Magnitude
Avalanche
Typhoon
Shelter-in-place
Disaster
Snow
Blizzard
Sleet
Mud slide or Mudslide
Erosion
Power outage
Brown out
Warning
Watch
Lightening
Aid
Relief
Closure
Interstate
Burst
Emergency Broadcast System
Cyber security
Botnet
DDOS (dedicated denial of service)
Denial of service
Malware
Virus
Trojan
Keylogger
Cyber Command
2600
Spammer
Phishing
Rootkit
Phreaking
Cain and abel
Brute forcing
Mysql injection
Cyber attack
Cyber terror
Hacker
China
Conficker
Worm
Scammers
Social media

Notwithstanding that I have no idea what some of the fuckers mean, I originally posted these to increase my LJ popularity score, reckoning that a website visit is a website visit.

My rank immediately dropped 124 points, obviously indicating that the DNC was hacking Russian computers.

Let's see what happens now that we have an actual President and not a sock puppet.

22nd April 2017

12:01am: 1282
As Mrs. is technically the abbreviation for Mistress, it should come as no surprise that Drs. is the abbreviation for Distress.

21st April 2017

12:01am: 1281
When I am President I will abolish Squire O'Bama's decree that Secret Service protection be extended to last an entire lifetime, and return its limit to ten years after leaving office, on the grounds that when I have completed my service most people won't want to shoot me.

20th April 2017

12:01am: 1280
INSULTING THE STATES:

WYOMING:

This is the State where people go when they can't stand the crushing throngs of Montana.

It was also the first State to grant women the vote, so if you're old enough to remember good-quality cartoons* that weren't either imported or 27-minute toy commercials, blame Wyoming.

Also if you liked THE WILD, WILD WEST. (The TV show, not Kenneth Branagh's inept Michael Dunn impression.)

Also if you remember that the reason the voting age was originally 21 because in those days you were expected to be supporting yourself at 14 (and would have supported your own home and family for seven years before voting), and that this remained true until slightly more than half the voters in the country realized this meant they would be grandmothers at 30.

Jackson Pollock was born in Wyoming. They have never apologized for this.





(*These were outlawed back when abortion was illegal, so women were forced to carry and give birth to children they never wanted. As President I will make goddamn sure everybody makes this connection.)

15th April 2017

12:42pm: 1279
In those days Caesar ordered that the whole world should be counted and taxed.

And all went to be taxed, every one into his own city.

We get our tax cycle from the Romans.

That being the case:

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

13th April 2017

12:01am: 1278
As President I will push for a Constitutional Amendment forbidding a statute of limitations on child abuse.











I will also have the Attorney-General get the goods on anyone opposing this Amendment.
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