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27th September 2016
Liberal slurs and dehumanizing behaviors are okay, because liberals are making a better world, and anybody who says different will be in the death camps soon anyway.
26th September 2016
When I am President, one of the first missions of the Space Department will be to put large canisters of sand into elliptical 24-hour orbits. :
These canisters will be rigged to explode on receipt of a coded command, distributing sand widely.
The orbits of these canisters will be opposite to the directions of expected incoming missiles, which is why the orbits have to be both elliptical and 24 hours in duration; each canister will pass over the same region in the same direction at each close approach.
Warhead reentry vehicles passing through the dispersed sand will most likely be hit by very little of it, but the combined velocity of the encounter will be in the neighborhood of eleven miles per second. This is a pretty tough neighborhood, and the sand will produce some nasty cratering in surfaces that need to be smooth to keep the warhead from disintegrating on reentry. Admittedly this will result in plutonium vapor being dispersed into the atmosphere, but this will be perhaps ten percent more than if the bombs had gone off, which seems a fair tradeoff: ten percent more plutonium for a hundred percent less explosions.
The canisters will also detonate automatically in the event of an electromagnetic pulse.
Up to now everybody's response to the prospect of a nuclear war has been to talk a lot and write their names on pieces of paper. THIS WILL STOP ONE
25th September 2016
As a break from the subject of the 2020 campaign, I want to explain why, in my stories, I have never created a character who could read minds. :
Over the years I have given the idea a lot of thought, and I have finally come up with the best description I can manage.
I believe it would be an experience not unlike crawling naked through a Rolling Stones concert set in a junkyard full of fireworks during the zombie apocalypse.
Just so you know.
You might pass the word.
AUTHORS: THINKING OF THIS STUFF SO YOU DON'T HAVE TO!
24th September 2016
When I am President I will get a shave every day. :
Look, it may not mean much to you, but in over 40 years it has never stopped being an annoying waste of time.It is my suspicion that men's taste for women being shaved is not so much esthetic as retaliatory.Except where actual tasting is involved.
23rd September 2016
My Presidential press conferences will be unusual in that I will not behave toward the media as if I am their bitch*. :
For one thing, their pecking order is going in the garbage where it came from. People with cameras will be at the back, and will keep their mouths shut until real reporters are done doing their jobs. They're in my house, they'll follow my rules.
For another thing, if anyone asks me a straw-man question, nobody from any news outlet belonging to the same corporation will be permitted any news from any Federal source until that person is fired without severance, benefits, or references.
(*From what I was able to see, Nixon was not only the worst offender in this area, he did actually believe it to be the case.)
22nd September 2016
In the event that I do secure the Democrat nomination, I will accept as my runningmate the first applicant whose name has been legally changed to Free Beer. :
That way the ballot in November will read:
MATTHEW JOSEPH HARRINGTON
and I figure I should win by about a 70% landslide.
21st September 2016
Once the Army Air Corps has been reestablished, the fifth side of the Pentagon will be for the Space Force. This will take over the job of high-altitude intelligence gathering, and will be responsible for maintaining a manned presence in orbit. :
It will also take over the launch facilities currently being wasted by NASA in its mission to make the Universe safe for robots.
Since the Space Force will require the most competent and versatile flyers it is possible to have, spacecraft operators will be recruited from the ranks of Naval aviators.
Pilots from other branches of the military who wish to join will be permitted to do so after being trained up to the standard of aviators.
Shouldn't take more than a couple of years for applicants who have the right stuff.
20th September 2016
When I am President, Navy SEALs will collect Edward Snowden and Julian Assange, and they will be put on trial for crimes against humanity, to wit: publishing the names of supporters of American forces, to an enemy that has been known for centuries to torture entire families to death as punishment for one member's criticism of that enemy. :
In the interests of fairness, their trials will be held in the home countries of the people they murdered.
19th September 2016
As President I shall, in the event of a vacancy on the Supreme Court, interrogate all potential candidates for the position on exactly one question: :
"What powers currently exercised by the Congress are both necessary
18th September 2016
When I am President I will ask the women of America to stop shaving their pubic hair into landing strips, on the grounds that this looks like the scar from a really horrible accident.
17th September 2016
When I am President the Air :
Force will be restored to its original status as a Corps within the Army.
Hopefully they will then start doing their one and only meaningful job: supporting ground actions.
16th September 2016
The Presidential Spokesman for my Administration will be P. J. O'Rourke.
15th September 2016
As President I will have Health and Human Services search out, and the FBI arrest and prosecute, any parent or guardian who takes money away from a minor, on the charge of child abuse. :
In the course of my judge appointments (and there will be a lot)
I will also have chosen jurists who will be strongly disposed to seize all assets of the offender and place them in a trust belonging to the robbed minor.
All means all
. Bank accounts, investments, pension funds, cars, the house, personal jewelry, whatever.
Artifical limbs may be kept, on loan, but they will be the child's property.
14th September 2016
When I am President I will form a Special Flounder Squad to deal with doctors who practice by rote but have poor memories.
13th September 2016
As President I will deal with illegal immigration simply enough: since they have no rights under the Constitution, any illegal immigrant who is convicted of a felony will be killed. :
As far as the immigrants know.
In fact, I will really just have them shipped to Guantanamo and shoved over the fence into Cuba.
(It is possible that if this got out it would actually be a better deterrent.)
12th September 2016
When I am President I will have the office of the Attorney-General support anyone who wishes to engage in a Constitutional challenge to anti-fireworks laws. :
I will also display my personal support for such challenges by personally setting off, on the roof of the Executive Mansion, fireworks that are illegal in Washington, D.C., at the slightest excuse. Excuses will include, but not be limited to, Independence Day, Memorial Day, Armistice Day, V.E. Day, V.J. Day, Lincoln's Birthday, Washington's Birthday, Flag Day, Hallowe'en, Walpurgisnacht, Christmas*, my birthday, January 3rd when a new Congress is sworn in, and any day when any blonde woman with large breasts who has not previously done so engages in a full-overcoat flash of a live feed on CNN.
(*on the actual date of April 15th; read the Bible, and remember the Romans had the same tax cycle as us)
11th September 2016
As President I will save hella time and money, and make things easier for honest citizens at airports, by cutting out all the TSA bullshit and just having anyone who wants to board an airplane step on a copy of the Koran first. :
As William Daniel, in the role of John Adams, said in the movie 1776
, "We're at war
, dammit! Sooner or later we're going to have to offend somebody
10th September 2016
Being afraid is my natural condition. It has come to be how I know I'm alive. :
If I ever stopped being afraid I would probably panic.
So that's all right.
9th September 2016
When I am President I will wear : my sidearm
and a cowboy hat at all treaty negotiations.
8th September 2016
As President, mindful that the purpose of trial by jury is justice, which is why jurors are almost without exception people who will never in their lives have a chance to pass legislation, I will make frequent public announcements about the duty of a jury being to decide whether a defendant deserves to be punished, rather than whether the law has been broken-- something a judge can figure out without forcing 12 people to engage in tedious labor at less than sharecropper wages. :
I will also have the FBI arrest judges who fail to notify jurors that one of their duties is to consider the possible need for juror nullification, on the grounds that the defendant's civil right to trial by jury has been violated.
I will also give Federal courts one year to deal with the backlog of retrials of Federal defendants whose jurors were not informed of this duty, after which I will pardon every such defendant who has not been retried.
The trials of the judges in those cases will, of course, have to wait until that backlog has been cleared.
As judges tend to be quite prosperous, I will take a very dim view of any case where one of these flight risks is granted bail....
7th September 2016
As President I will seek to set up an alternative public school in some district where I can get at least 4096 parents of five-year-olds to agree to the contract system. :
Kindergarten will be called first grade. There will be 25 grades in all.
The marks given in class will be called "scores", not grades, as the term grade is misleading in that context.
At the end of each grade the grade as a whole will be given a general intelligence test of some complexity, and it will include questions on material not covered in the curriculum, since that will show whether a student is in the habit of learning. Students who score above that grade's average will be promoted two grades. Students who score below that grade's average will be promoted one grade.
Of every 4096 students in first grade, one
can reach 25th grade in the 13th year, while one will graduate after 13 years from 13th grade. Everybody stays in up to 13 years, but anyone may choose to graduate anytime after completing 13th grade. This will mean some very sharp 12-year-old graduates are possible.
This will all be happening on one walloping big campus.
Parents of the students here will sign contracts allowing any teacher whose class is being disrupted to summarily expel any student responsible, condemning the student to our current public school system, or to homeschooling if the public demands more of these schools. (I give that twelve years.)
Teachers will receive pay each pay period, with an equal sum as a bonus at the end of the 8-month school year, but any who allow a student to leave a given grade unable to meet minimal standards for that grade will be dismissed and forfeit the bonus. For example, any student who cannot read phonetically, working out the pronunciation of new words, would not meet minimal standards at the end of first grade.
School will be six hours. Students will be fed on arrival, and this food will include meat. After three hours they will be fed again, also including meat. At least one of these daily portions of meat will be beef, so that taurine will be available to promote formation of new dendrite connections. That is, learning
The DHS will arrest people who protest this school as terrorists, since they are attempting to sabotage American intellectual development. (The fact that these will mostly be either union teachers or people paid by the unions is pure lagniappe.)
I expect assassination attempts after I do this.
6th September 2016
As President I will have the DHS arrest doctors who prescribe minimal dosages of antibiotics and prosecute them as terrorists for breeding superbugs which will infect the American public. :
They will also be charged with crimes against humanity, to wit: human experimentation.
5th September 2016
My Administration will find any teachers who have ever labeled bored or incompetently-taught students with behavioral or neurological disorders and prosecute them for practicing medicine without a license.
4th September 2016
As President I will have the Attorney-General prosecute the leadership of unions running closed shops anywhere on charges of restraint of trade and operating protection rackets, and seize their assets under the RICO Act. :
I will also encourage class-action suits by the people they have barred from employment.
I will also give preferential treatment to any employer who hires non-union employees at union wages, allowing them to keep more income than the union employees who do the same work but have to pay protection money.
I wish it noted for the record that public-school teachers' unions have been running a closed shop for decades.
3rd September 2016
My Administration will have the DHS prosecute parents who refuse to vaccinate their children as terrorists attempting to start a plague.