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Oh my God. I'm the tin dog.

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18th February 2017

3:55am: I STILL ATEN'T DEAD
Just so you know.

Feeling very horrible, though. Muscles still haven't healed from looking for Tuxedo, and I had a bad sinus bug already.

15th February 2017

9:26am: A curious thing
It crossed my mind recently that, while I take an interest in, and am concerned by, posts of my friends' difficulties, I seldom post my own.

Naturally I had to puzzle this out.

I finally came up with the answer after reviewing my pain, weakness, and sludgy emotions.

I always have them.

They don't go away, they just kind of move around.

My afflictions are boring.

I mean, I don't pay attention to, e.g., my fibromyalgia (apart from saying "owfuck" a lot), because it's part of the scenery.

Now, the realization struck me as kind of interesting, so I'm posting it.




Thanks again to everyone who put in a good word with Bastet, Sekhmet, and Mehit.

14th February 2017

12:01am: 1251
INSULTING THE STATES:

PENNSYLVANIA:

This needs to be told here:

Years ago, the New Yorker magazine got hold of a story about a man who had embezzled ninety thousand dollars and run off to Philadelphia, where he blew it all on riotous living.

They sat on the story for three weeks trying to think up a comment on this that was funnier than real life.

I think they finally just printed the story with the comment about what their problem was.

I guess I heard that story thirty years ago.

I still can't come up with a comment about what they went through.

--Okay, with that out of the way, bear in mind that Philadelphia is Pennsylvania's largest city. That is, more Pennsylvanians choose to live there than anywhere else. The rest of the State must, therefore, be less desirable to live in.

Moving on.

The colony that became this State was established when the land was granted to William Penn by the current King of England in lieu of payment of sixteen thousand pounds that was owed Penn's father.

Pennsylvania exists because someone lost a bet.

13th February 2017

1:51pm: Lost cat
His name's Tuxedo, and he's elegant, long-furred, black and white with formal markings, and kind of stupid.

Last night he got out the front door, which doesn't latch properly. He's 17 years old and has been an indoor cat all his life, but has always believed he was an outdoor cat. Valerie and I believe he has absolutely no idea how to find his way home.

If you live in the 95823 area, please tell me if you see a cat of that description-- even if the cat is dead.

We're worse off not knowing.

If you live outside the area, please pick anyone you think you've got a decent connection with, and pray LOUD.

Thanks,

Matthew

10th February 2017

12:01am: 1250
INSULTING THE STATES:

OREGON:

When admitted as a State, Oregon decided to avoid the issue of slavery entirely by outlawing black people.

Gay couples can get married in Oregon, as long as they are not first cousins.

Portland, the largest city in Oregon, requires every person who is not actually starving to pay a flat fee to support artists whose work other people are not willing to pay for. Much of the money is then confiscated by teachers.

In 1846 the British ceded all the Oregon Territory south of the 49th Parallel to the United States. For some reason many Canadians cover their mouths and turn away when this is mentioned.

We don't know why....

9th February 2017

12:01am: 1249
INSULTING THE STATES:

OKLAHOMA:

Conceivably the dullest location in America. They have a State Rock.

This region was first established as an internment camp a separate refuge for Indians, who now make up about eleven percent of the population since the discovery of oil. These Indians were known as the Civilized Tribes, since they had adopted European virtues such as religious factionalism and slavery, which latter was not abolished in the region until 1866; Christianity remains rampant.

The people who followed were not an improvement; the Oklahoma City Reichstag Fire Federal Building Bombing in 1995 was claimed as evidence that somebody was worse than the President who authorized the Waco Massacre, and local people cooperated with this story.

It is known as the Sooner State, due to its white founders having arrived to steal land from Indians before Congress made it legal to do so.

In the 1930s, fifteen percent of the population moved from Oklahoma to California, an action which Will Rogers observed increased the average intelligence of both States. In both cases this is debatable, as many of the Okies were the same Socialist farmers who had created the Dust Bowl with incompetent farming practices.



They have a State Rock.

8th February 2017

12:01am: HAPPY NATIONAL FELLATIO WEEK!
Culminating every year with St. Valentine's Day, on which it is customary to make gifts of chocolate, medically known to assist people who have difficulty swallowing.







Many people have forgotten why chocolate is given. This has been a Public Service Announcement.

I will understand perfectly if anyone is too busy to reply to my posts this week. Regrettably I will have plenty of time myself.

7th February 2017

12:01am: 1248
Avarice, envy, gluttony, lust, sloth, vanity, and wrath, are deemed the seven deadly sins.

Or, as liberals call them, progressive income tax, media coverage, nutritional guidelines, statesmanship, leisure activities, celebrating diversity, and protest.

This goes a long way toward explaining why they have forced the Fundamentalists, who when all is said and done want exactly the kind of repressive centralized control over personal life that liberals seek, over to find shelter among the conservatives; otherwise there would be inconvenient questions. (The fact that the people mislabeled the religious "right" have loused up every rational effort that has taken place since they were dumped on the conservatives is merely fortuitous: people who plan for the future do not become liberals.)

I mean to discuss why they're both wrong.

6th February 2017

2:55pm: WHAT SHE SAID.
http://quirkytizzy.livejournal.com/1054170.html
12:01am: 1247
INSULTING THE STATES:

OHIO:

Possibly due to the fact that it looks like an idiot tore off a paper towel without holding the roll, this State was not actually admitted to the Union by Congress until 1953, meaning that Lewis Cass, Samuel Tilden, James Blaine, and Charles Hughes are all entitled to election recounts, and in some cases should have been President. This also means that everyone convicted of a crime there prior to 1953 is entitled to be released, and could in any case have received a Presidential pardon as it was, technically, still just a territory.

Ohio was conquered in 1656 by the Iroquois, in a genocidal war against the Indian tribes and the occasional French settlers there. For some reason Ohio has never sought reparations from New York.

The Wright Brothers were born in Ohio, but due to unfavorable local climate for their work moved to North Carolina to conduct their flight experiments.

Ohio is sometimes known as the "Mother of Presidents". The father remains unknown.

5th February 2017

12:01am: 1246
I am getting awfully tired of hearing about If Only Bernie Sanders, especially since the hacked DNC memos make it pretty damn clear that Bernie Sanders was the DNC's Primo Carnera.

4th February 2017

12:01am: 1245
INSULTING THE STATES:

NORTH MONTANA:

Far and away the largest of the States, this one has never paid its taxes, despite being utterly dependent for defense and advanced medical care on the other States, eh.






I just had to include this one.

3rd February 2017

12:01am: 1244
INSULTING THE STATES:

NORTH DAKOTA:

This State is a leading producer of the nation's barley and navy beans, and is therefore the go-to source for people who like to drink beer and fart.

Its principal contribution to the arts is the historical work of Professor Peter Schickele, at the University of Southern North Dakota at Hoople.

2nd February 2017

12:01am: 1243
INSULTING THE STATES:

NORTH CAROLINA:

The Rs are silent.

A State with substantial deposits of gold and uranium, the basis of its economy is tobacco, sweet potatoes, hogs, trout, and turkeys. This may be taken as indicative of its residents' business acumen.

Substantiating this impression of general intelligence, the State Sport is NASCAR.

This is the only State named after someone executed for treason. On a related note, it supplied more troops to the Confederate Army than any other State. It also supplied 15000 to the Union, either playing the odds or channeling its namesake Charles I of England by committing treason against its treasonable government.

1st February 2017

12:01am: 1242
In the course of my Presidential campaign, half of any bribes campaign contributions received from people who also give money to terrorists will be spent on soft toilet paper and distributed to veterans' hospitals, just to make it very clear what I think of the donors.

The other half will be spent on bacon.

31st January 2017

3:47pm: Trumped Up
QUOTE:

8 U.S.C. § 1182(f):
Whenever the President finds that the entry of any aliens or of any class of aliens into the United States would be detrimental to the interests of the United States, he may by proclamation, and for such period as he shall deem necessary, suspend the entry of all aliens or any class of aliens as immigrants or nonimmigrants, or impose on the entry of aliens any restrictions he may deem to be appropriate.


The only court order which has any force against a Presidential order is one which comes from the Supreme Court of the United States. The judge who purported to issue an order suspending this is not only acting outside her authority, she has disqualified herself as a judge by violating her oath to uphold the law, and may at the discretion of an honest Attorney-General be prosecuted for perjury.

I do not expect a triviality like the law of the land to stop liberals from telling lies about this.

Of course.
12:01am: 1241
RUMOR OF THE WEEK:

Media stories about President Trump have reached the point where the only way to deal with them is the way it was done before: we need Herakles to divert a river.

30th January 2017

12:01am: 1240
INSULTING THE STATES:

NEW YORK:

The meetings hosted here established unity of purpose among Mob families nationwide, proving that this State is, believe it or not, even more corrupt than Illinois.

Which does explain some things. It's not that they'll let just any billionaire be a Senator; you have to have had enough people whacked first.

29th January 2017

12:01am: 1239
INSULTING THE STATES:

NEW MEXICO:

This State is famous for being where an alien supposedly landed.

Actually that skinny creature with huge eyes just turned out to be an altar boy who found out where all the molesting priests get transferred to.

28th January 2017

12:01am: 1238
I realize I have been lax in posting a regular RUMOR OF THE WEEK, in which I make a deranged raving sound as plausible as possible.

It's just that since the election, the competition has been intimidating.

And since last Friday it's a lot worse.

27th January 2017

12:01am: 1237
INSULTING THE STATES:

NEW JERSEY:

Known as the Garden State, New Jersey's principal crop is oil refineries.

New Jersey was very reluctant to ratify the 13th Amendment after the Civil War, suggesting a Statewide learning disability. This is substantiated by the fact that it is the site of what was arguably the biggest Mob-revenue scam to be undertaken prior to the formation of the DEA. To learn more of this, when someone tells you his home is in New Jersey, just ask "Which offramp?"

26th January 2017

12:01am: 1236
INSULTING THE STATES:

NEW HAMPSHIRE:

Damn, this one's a toughie.

But I promised I'd get them all, though, and I'm a conservative, so:

Mary Baker Eddy, founder of the Christian Scientists, who believe that illness and injury are symptoms of poor faith and can be cured by an act of will, was born here after her mom had a heavy date with Wolverine.

Nothing was done about this.

25th January 2017

12:01am: 1235
INSULTING THE STATES:

GREATER LAS VEGAS

NEVADA:

This State has had more atomic bombs set off in it than the rest of the United States put together, on the grounds that it's hard to tell.

In the course of about 50 years after Benjamin Siegel turned the State into the world's most famous sin resort in the postwar era, Nevada's population increased by a factor of twelve. Respectable residents have worked tirelessly since Siegel's day to make Nevada a more family-friendly zone, and by 2003 had succeeded in reducing immigration from other States to a trickle.

24th January 2017

12:01am: 1234
Okay, this has been bugging me for over half a century:

They need a new bucket; Lila's just a cheap bitch.







Insulting every State resumes tomorrow.

23rd January 2017

12:51pm: I CAN'T GET BACK TO SLEEP
Imagine that you were, by some awful fluke, raised by horses. You understand their methods of communication and so forth.

You spend your life being belittled by them for not having huge genitals or hooves or strong legs, so you avoid them as much as possible.

In the course of trying to stay alive you happen to take notice of an immense amount of detail that all the horses take for granted.

Now and then you speak to them of what you know.

First of all, it is very difficult to dumb this down for them. Check: it is impossible to dumb it down enough for almost the entire population, but there are a few brilliant horses you can convey the more basic stuff to.

You tell them:

"Look, I've figured out how to solve some of these problems we've got with grain. There's a thing we can start doing right away to help. If we don't do something really soon we'll start killing each other for grain."

Then you start trying to explain something even you don't have a word for: farming. Deliberately growing grain by digging up the ground and putting seeds in.

The smart horses immediately start arguing with you.

"We just need to stop other horses from eating so much!" (This is why the killing will start.)

"We need those seeds to eat, it's a waste of resources!" (More than that gets wasted now.)

"Horses tried that, and if you put grain underground it rots!" (No they didn't, or there wouldn't be shortfalls now; and the rot problem is from an entirely different kind of burial.)

And, oh, the favorite of all:

"What evidence do you have, based on the observations of other horses, for what you're saying?"

The thing is, all arguments are motivated by mindless instinct to seek higher herd rank, and are a horse's instant response to any hint that another horse is superior. (If they were capable of grasping that you really are superior, you would be immediately killed.)

But there's one even worse than the Whickerpedia response:

"Why should you be the one saying what to do? Just make us understand and we'll take care of it!"

BECAUSE ALL A HORSE IS GOOD FOR IN THIS IS PULLING THE GODDAMN PLOW!





This is for my fellow humans out there.
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