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Oh my God. I'm the tin dog.

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29th May 2016

12:01am: 1009
Imagine a formula which was designed simply to improve cell-wall function. That's all. Bring in and retain desirable stuff, expel and keep out undesirable stuff. Supposing it was a cocktail of prions, it would spread through all tissues very quickly.

The first person it was given to would develop a hitherto unimagined state of good health.

And would be extraordinarily appealing as a sexual partner.

Descendants would not only share this health, their brains would have more control over their tissues than could previously have been imagined. What constituted desirable stuff might well turn out to respond to subconscious attitudes, and with a sufficient influx of energy the resulting abilities would then be downright superhuman.

All of which I offer as an explanation of why the Human Torch looks just like Captain America.



AUTHORS: THINKING OF THIS STUFF SO YOU DON'T HAVE TO!

28th May 2016

12:01am: 1008
ROLEPLAYING GAMES PART II:

The adventurers went to bed with the argument unsettled. That night the wizard had a dream in which they were entering the receiving hall of the gods. The Herald spoke to him and said, "Welcome, wizard, come and dine with us! --Will your support staff be sitting at the same table?"

He woke in a good mood.

Everyone else seemed curiously subdued that morning.

27th May 2016

12:01am: 1007
ROLEPLAYING GAMES PART I:

Four adventurers were discussing which of them was the most important type.

The warrior spoke first. "I am proficient with all manner of weapons, I can make proper use of my armor and withstand more damage if something gets past it, and I can kill anything I can hit."

The priest spoke next. "I can wear the same armor and fight at need, I am the intercessor for the gods and grant you a measure of their protection, and I can use that status to heal the wounds of any of us who are hurt."

The thief spoke third. "I scout the opposition unnoticed, kill guards without raising the alarm, and let you know what's worth the trouble of bringing it back to support us and to finance the next expedition."

Finally the wizard spoke. "I do magic. I also undo magic. We face magic when we go in somewhere, and I also tell you where and what it is. Without a warrior we are an infiltration unit. Without a priest we are a precision strike force. Without a thief we are a direct-assault team. Without me, what you are is the middle management of a small town's government."

25th May 2016

12:01am: 1006
Donald Trump is, at least, not a psychopath.

Whether he never did it or just concealed it, he knows it is wrong to abandon a cat.

24th May 2016

12:01am: 1005
Valerie and I moved out of the house in San Jose a couple of years back. We'd lived there for over twenty years. I'd redone wiring and plumbing, built stairs, and designed the new roof, which was two layers of plywood with foil between them (I was first, and should have filed a patent), and the new patio, driveway, and front sidewalk.

The patio was a semicircle almost the width of the land parcel, six inches deep, with a twelve-inch foot around the rim and rebar throughout, making it foundation quality; the driveway was six inches with a side foot and rebar; and the sidewalk was four inches with compression felt between each square. For those of you not up on construction, I'll clarify by saying that our neighbor, a building contractor, put in his new patio, driveway, and sidewalk after we did, all up to code; and when we moved out the neighbor's work was cracked in a number of places, while what I had designed was pristine.

My design was so far above code it didn't even bump its feet going over.

I later learned that the new buyer ripped it all out.

23rd May 2016

12:01am: 1004
Regarding The Flash, two questions:

1 ) Out of all the people affected by the accelerator explosion, why was Barry Allen the only one in a coma for nine months?

2 ) How long is that in Flash years?

22nd May 2016

12:01am: 1003
Does anybody who reads my stuff ever actually follow the tags?

Honestly?

I consider them carefully.

21st May 2016

12:01am: 1002
SCHEHEREZADE: PART TWO!

20th May 2016

12:01am: 1001
"This exercise is to help develop greater mobility, which declines over time."

"Oh, you don't have to tell me, honey, I was married twice, though toward the end with the second one you'd hardly know it."

"Oh, I'm sorry. Arthritis?"

"Television."

19th May 2016

12:01am: 1000
A DILLY.




okay, now i just wait and see who gets it....

18th May 2016

12:01am: 999
Imagine that an asteroid about five miles across is detected on its way to Earth, where it will punch a hole through ocean and the underlying crust, expose the mantle, and boil away many cubic miles of seawater, resulting in years of worldwide cloud cover and the onset of an Ice Age.

However, an unlimited supply of condoms is available (as explained in Volume One of the trilogy).

Everyone on Earth is given as many condoms as each can carry, and they all start inflating condoms. Once inflated and tied these are dipped in sealant (to keep the air from seeping out the pores that are needed for condoms to be flexible) and delivered to a single location. There they are packed together and launched at high speed at the asteroid (by means detailed in Volume Two). Upon impact (off-center) they burst, and the recoil of the escaping air deflects the asteroid just enough to keep it from striking the planet.

When used correctly, condoms can prevent a global extinction event.





Mind you, expecting them to prevent pregnancy, let alone the spread of a virus, is just silly.

17th May 2016

12:01am: 998
It occurred to me many years ago that "prostitute" is the rude word, while "whore" is the respectable one.

Somebody who fucks well enough to not only get paid for it but get repeat business is surely a whore, and deserves the respect we (often mistakenly) extend to cops who work in gang-infested neighborhoods.

Somebody who has a brilliant analytical mind, on the other hand, who decides that going to law school will get the most income for it, is a prostitute.




(Incidentally, I know an outstanding SF writer who is also a lawyer, and good enough at it to be made the Australian Navy's consultant on matters of international law: Hal Colebatch. He is also a poet who makes money at it. Not a prostitute; just a Renaissance Man.)

15th May 2016

12:01am: 997
The Cold Case division of the Hollywood police department has uncovered evidence in the murder of Foghorn Leghorn which implicates Harland Sanders.

14th May 2016

12:01am: 996
A culture that has laws about how soon you are allowed to rape a woman after murdering her husband is a culture that needs to go.

13th May 2016

12:01am: 995
The argument against Trump is that he can't fix the current problems.

The argument against Hillary is that she doesn't want to.

12th May 2016

12:01am: 994
As the gay slugger said after he deliberately struck out in the ninth inning of the seventh game of the World Series, "All I want is recognition."

11th May 2016

12:01am: 993
"It's a civilian's duty to assist the law."

"Okay, first, unless you can be shot for quitting your job, you're a civilian; second, as that statement has no basis in law it is clearly an example of the cops being allowed to lie to citizens; third, you are not the law, Judge Dredd; and fourth, and most important, you're a Federal agent, which as Martha Stewart learned means that you can get somebody thrown in prison on your unsupported assertion that your victim has lied to you, which since you had to pass a lie-detector test to get your job and any competent examiner can make somebody fail means my freedom depends on the honesty of someone who is either a pathological liar or a sociopath. Or a criminal who bribed the examiner."

"You're saying you refuse to cooperate?"

"I'm saying if you were on fire I would be ill advised to tell you to look in a mirror."

10th May 2016

5:46am: Life Update
I have wanted to post ads for my work on my LJ for years. So far... well, picture somebody trying to solder electronics with his foot.

Not holding a soldering iron; instead of.

9th May 2016

12:01am: 992
A friend of mine has posted that growing up is realizing there's no hope of getting what you want.

It's not. It's giving up hope.

I have not done so, and I got to be what I wanted to be.

I was 42 then.

That means for 20% of my life my hope has been in artery.

8th May 2016

12:01am: 991
I think I've figured something out.

Wars are started by people with little teeny dicks.

This makes them want to do something to make themselves feel like they have big dicks. The smaller the dick, the smaller the pretext*.

The reason I mention this is that currently one of the candidates for President is someone with no dick at all.

The only good thing that would come from the Administration of Reichsmarschall Hillary if she wins is we're finally gonna annex Canada.





(*Bear in mind that the Civil War began with Southern piracy of Union shipping and an invasion of Union territory; after the 12th Century or so, the only kind of person who wanted slaves was compensating for something. --Lincoln could in all probability have gone down to the White House stables and frightened the horses.)

7th May 2016

12:01am: 990
There are people who say, "Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself," and to these people I say, mind your own goddamn business.




dog in the manger pest bastard

6th May 2016

12:01am: 989
Never fart while sitting at a formal dinner table.

Stand up first.

5th May 2016

12:01am: 988
I keep seeing Ben Asslick's name misspelled.

I can understand why. This, after all, was the man who announced on camera that dog grooming should be paid the same as working fast food because it was about as difficult.

Having worked in both businesses myself, I extend to him the sympathy due his condition; for the only way anyone can be capable of holding such a belief about those two jobs is for that person to lack the mental competence to do either.

26th April 2016

12:01am: 987
It has been said that intelligence is knowing a tomato is a fruit, but wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

This is false.

Knowing a tomato is a fruit is education. It's not putting it in a fruit salad which is intelligence.

Wisdom is realizing who makes money from people getting this wrong.

25th April 2016

12:01am: 987
My new favorite conspiracy theory is that Gavrilo Prizip was framed.

Obviously by Woodrow Wilson.






(On reflection, that makes more sense than any other I've heard.)
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