Log in

Oh my God. I'm the tin dog.

Recent Entries

You are viewing the most recent 25 entries.

27th June 2016

12:01am: 1025
In anticipation of the country's reaction to four years of Trump, I have decided to announce my candidacy as the 2020 Democrat nominee for President.

Upon inauguration my first act will be to order the arrest of George H. W. Bush for failing to register as an agent of a foreign power— to wit, the Crown of England, to which he is a vassal.

My further acts as President will be given in later posts.

In the event that Hillary wins, of course, my anticipation is that by 2020 we will no longer be wasting time and money on elections.

21st June 2016

12:01am: 1024
I never said I didn't like peaches.


20th June 2016

12:01am: 1023
It has been claimed* that breast size is inversely proportional to IQ.

This is false.

Large breasts do not make women stupid.

Just the men standing in front of them.

(*despite the evidence of such people as my mother, who was an idiot, and my Faithful European Companion Valerie, who very much isn't)

19th June 2016

6:02am: Good question

(Sorry about the spelling error. Not mine.)
12:01am: 1022
Geology is about the actual land.

Geography is about what's taken up residence on it.

One morning it struck me quite suddenly that everyone I had ever heard trying to discuss theology was actually talking about theography.

18th June 2016

9:40am: This is WEIRD.
Apparently one of my Whats has been ungodly popular.

It's today's:

12:01am: 1021
I recently realized for the first time in my life that peaches taste kinda like an armpit.

17th June 2016

12:01am: 1020
All gods have their quirks.

The Muse of Eloquence, for example, will smite dead anyone in her presence who plays, sings, hums, or makes reference to the tune "Waiting For The Robert E. Lee."

We don't know why....


16th June 2016

12:01am: 1019
I have been accused of using the term "socialist" the way a cheap hooker uses eyeliner.

I don't see this as much of a problem, given that the person who said this uses the term "socialist" the way a Pope uses the term "child molester": narrowly.

15th June 2016

12:01am: 1018
I've been seeing what little data the media dole out about the Orlando terrorist attack.

And that is exactly what it was: another attempt to enforce sharia law on American soil.

BO has counseled religious tolerance as usual.

Islam, however, is the only religion the White Man in the White House ever "makes allowances" for.

Nobody who looks at Islam with open eyes can possibly believe that it is being used as a fall guy for a crime committed by a Moslem; people who are not vicious bastards are not attracted by Islam.

8th June 2016

12:01am: 1017
Returning party of adventurers:

Sorceress: "When I get back to town I'm going to have a hot bath."

Barbarian: "Oh, I've had one of those. You'll like it."

7th June 2016

12:01am: 1016
A friend recently posted a picture of a Lamborghini on a message board I habituate.

I had some thoughts about it, which I shared there and now share here.

A car like that can't be driven at full speed on a regular basis, except in remote locations. So it's no good for getting you places fast.

It's not heavy enough to use that powerful engine to pull a huge load, or roomy enough to hold much. So it's no good for hauling.

It is, essentially, a decorative accessory that only works when you're sitting in it.

Basically it's a third-of-a-million-dollar charm bracelet for your butt.

6th June 2016

12:01am: 1015
Today marks the 72nd anniversary of the only proof needed that Europe's greatest cultural accomplishment is ingratitude.

5th June 2016

12:01am: 1014

"Master, they don't allow apprentices in there!"

"Relax. Put on this helmet. Now come on.... --I'm here for the convocation."

"Wizards only, sir, no apprentices."

"He's my bodyguard."

"Where's his armor?"

"He's a barbarian hero."

"He seems very young."

"How many old barbarian heroes have you heard of?"

"Six, actually."

"Well, he's the grandson of two of them."

"If he's a barbarian hero, where are his scars?"

"He doesn't have any. He's a carrier."

"Oh? Oh. Welcome."

3rd June 2016

12:01am: 1013
The pay for members of the US military is staggeringly less than that of police officers, but of course their circumstances are not the same.

Members of the military are on call 24 hours a day, do not whine about people being allowed to shoot at them, are imprisoned if they go on strike, and if they quit without notice are executed.

They are also not protected by labor laws in existence for all other professions.

I think the least we can do for them is pay them Federal minimum wage upon enlistment: $7.25 per hour.

Which, at an average of 8766 hours per year, comes to $63553.50. To start. An increase of 25 cents an hour with each promotion seems not excessive, so with a total of ten enlisted ranks, five warrant ranks, six officer ranks, and six flag ranks, an Admiral of the Navy (say) would be getting $13.75 per hour, for a total of $120,532.50 per year. Not counting room, board, and full medical, which are of course business expenses for which the employee is not liable.

They also shouldn't pay taxes.

1st June 2016

12:01am: 1012
In keeping with the so-frequent assertion that, "Business should not be about profit! It should be about the common good!", I offer the observation:

Photosynthesis should not be about plant growth! It should be about oxygen!

31st May 2016

12:01am: 1011

Prosecutor on cross-exam (even more accusingly): "Do you think murder is FUNNY?"

Defendant (flatly): "I think murder is very serious. You, on the other hand, strike me as having got this job after you were fired from being the D.A. for Hazzard County."

30th May 2016

12:01am: 1010

Prosecutor on cross-exam (suddenly and accusingly): "Have you ever bred horses?"

Defendant (astonished): "I'm not really equipped for it, but I appreciate the vote of confidence."

29th May 2016

12:01am: 1009
Imagine a formula which was designed simply to improve cell-wall function. That's all. Bring in and retain desirable stuff, expel and keep out undesirable stuff. Supposing it was a cocktail of prions, it would spread through all tissues very quickly.

The first person it was given to would develop a hitherto unimagined state of good health.

And would be extraordinarily appealing as a sexual partner.

Descendants would not only share this health, their brains would have more control over their tissues than could previously have been imagined. What constituted desirable stuff might well turn out to respond to subconscious attitudes, and with a sufficient influx of energy the resulting abilities would then be downright superhuman.

All of which I offer as an explanation of why the Human Torch looks just like Captain America.


28th May 2016

12:01am: 1008

The adventurers went to bed with the argument unsettled. That night the wizard had a dream in which they were entering the receiving hall of the gods. The Herald spoke to him and said, "Welcome, wizard, come and dine with us! --Will your support staff be sitting at the same table?"

He woke in a good mood.

Everyone else seemed curiously subdued that morning.

27th May 2016

12:01am: 1007

Four adventurers were discussing which of them was the most important type.

The warrior spoke first. "I am proficient with all manner of weapons, I can make proper use of my armor and withstand more damage if something gets past it, and I can kill anything I can hit."

The priest spoke next. "I can wear the same armor and fight at need, I am the intercessor for the gods and grant you a measure of their protection, and I can use that status to heal the wounds of any of us who are hurt."

The thief spoke third. "I scout the opposition unnoticed, kill guards without raising the alarm, and let you know what's worth the trouble of bringing it back to support us and to finance the next expedition."

Finally the wizard spoke. "I do magic. I also undo magic. We face magic when we go in somewhere, and I also tell you where and what it is. Without a warrior we are an infiltration unit. Without a priest we are a precision strike force. Without a thief we are a direct-assault team. Without me, what you are is the middle management of a small town's government."

25th May 2016

12:01am: 1006
Donald Trump is, at least, not a psychopath.

Whether he never did it or just concealed it, he knows it is wrong to abandon a cat.

24th May 2016

12:01am: 1005
Valerie and I moved out of the house in San Jose a couple of years back. We'd lived there for over twenty years. I'd redone wiring and plumbing, built stairs, and designed the new roof, which was two layers of plywood with foil between them (I was first, and should have filed a patent), and the new patio, driveway, and front sidewalk.

The patio was a semicircle almost the width of the land parcel, six inches deep, with a twelve-inch foot around the rim and rebar throughout, making it foundation quality; the driveway was six inches with a side foot and rebar; and the sidewalk was four inches with compression felt between each square. For those of you not up on construction, I'll clarify by saying that our neighbor, a building contractor, put in his new patio, driveway, and sidewalk after we did, all up to code; and when we moved out the neighbor's work was cracked in a number of places, while what I had designed was pristine.

My design was so far above code it didn't even bump its feet going over.

I later learned that the new buyer ripped it all out.

23rd May 2016

12:01am: 1004
Regarding The Flash, two questions:

1 ) Out of all the people affected by the accelerator explosion, why was Barry Allen the only one in a coma for nine months?

2 ) How long is that in Flash years?

22nd May 2016

12:01am: 1003
Does anybody who reads my stuff ever actually follow the tags?


I consider them carefully.
Powered by LiveJournal.com