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23rd July 2016
When I am President I will not name a racehorse to my Cabinet. (It is a source of some puzzlement to me that this has never been done, at least in the 1930s or 1970s.) :
I will, however, consider proposals that a horse be Vice-President, provided that the precedent of prior Administrations is broken, to wit: both halves will be obliged to serve
(I realize this could work a hardship on people who want Ben Affleck put in another movie, as they may have to find a new supplier for horses' heads. Hey, my bad.)
22nd July 2016
During my term in the White House, Presidential protection will be in the hands of United States Marines.
21st July 2016
As President I will immediately fire any NASA employee who publicly expresses any opinion about the temperature of the planet until such time as at least three thermocouples, of three different designs, are in place upon the surface of the Moon and have been taking the actual temperature of our planet for at least a year, on the grounds that ignorance in a position of influence is not acceptable. :
Should anyone at NASA object that they do not have a booster capable of accomplishing this, I will tell them how to build one
, which will not rely on the designs that dead Germans came up with, copied from what Robert Goddard did in 1928.
I will also fire any NASA employee who refers to a mission that does not have a human being physically present as "exploration", as it is merely television, and the employee in question clearly does not understand his own job.
20th July 2016
When I am President, I will inform the Chairman of the Federal Reserve that any increase in the prime rate of more than one-quarter percent in a 31-day period, or which occurs less than 31 days after it is announced*, will result in his immediate firing and arrest. :
Mindful of the destruction of the economy in 2000, when Alan Greenspan undid all the work of Congress over the previous five years by continuing to raise the prime rate after the market had leveled off and thereby caused it to crash, and the resulting misery, ruin, and deaths, and based on the precedent of the Third Reich's efforts to use counterfeiting to destroy the American and British economies, the charge will be treason.
There will be considerably more than the necessary two witnesses to this act of war upon the United States of America.
(*The reason for the length of this delay is that various transactions are performed at a standard delay of 30 days. People who have advance notice of the forthcoming change, as many clearly did in 2000, will not be able to benefit any more than people who do not, unless they make arrangements to have transactions delayed at least 31 days, just before a change in the rate; in which case they will be arrested for inside trading.)
19th July 2016
As President I will support term limits for all elected officials. However, I will not make a big deal out of it, on the grounds that, no matter how deranged, corrupt, deluded, fanatical, or all of the foregoing, one Senator does not have the power to singlehandedly screw up the entire world. :
If anyone questions this I will point out Teddy Kennedy.
18th July 2016
As President, I will do everything in my power to see that anybody who interrupts narrative flow to make a certain false "correction" will be arrested as reactionary and housed at Gitmo for as long as necessary to halt this behavior, and required to print, legibly, "'Fewer' means 'the number is less'" one hundred times before being permitted food or drink. :
These writings will be scanned by a computer, and if found satisfactory will be burned in the offender's presence.
The food permitted after each installment will be four hundred calories, the drink will be sixteen ounces of water, and they will be provided separately.
This will continue until they demonstrate that they use "less" conversationally, as in, "I'd rather have less meals with more food in each."
People who interrupt to demand that others say "May I," however, will not be released until they have learned to do the cancan. Well
17th July 2016
As President, on those occasions when I am not the smartest guy in the room— no, seriously, it has happened— I will make sure I know who the smartest guy in the room : is
, and listen.
16th July 2016
As President I will, during my Cabinet meetings, have a special advisor present. This advisor will be an average five-year-old child. In the event that the special advisor can see a flaw in a proposal made by any Cabinet Member, that Member will immediately be fired. :
It is my estimation that this will get me the first reputation for statesmanship since 1989 that was not the result of paid advertising.
15th July 2016
Cassandran warning number 1
One of my concerns with Hillary is the same as it would be with any woman President: the possibility that she will expect something of people, and only tell them what it was after they are in prison.
As President I will have any DA who prosecutes someone for standing his ground arrested by Homeland Security and charged with supporting terrorism.
14th July 2016
As President, and as an American and therefore someone who has a clue about gratitude, I will appoint a task force whose job will be to find something nice to say about France.
13th July 2016
As President I will place the medical facilities that serve the Houses of Congress under the authority of the Veterans' Administration; veterans will be admitted to them, and members of Congress will be treated exactly the same as the other patients of the VA. :
This will include, but not be limited to, quality of care and waiting their turn to be seen.
Military veterans will be given priority in making appointments, in recognition of their service. If a Representative or Senator finds the wait time excessive or the facilities inadequate, clearly more and better doctors will have to be hired and the most advanced equipment made available.
The facilities used by Congress will be upgraded last
12th July 2016
As President, mindful of past phonies never subject to military discipline, I would see to it that the Surgeon General was in fact both an actual surgeon and a real general, promoting a high-ranking Army or Marine doctor as needed. :
It is my feeling that ignorant rants are less likely from someone who has had a career of treating people who have guns and are trained to use them.
11th July 2016
In space there is a world inhabited by a kind of herd animal. :
This animal may be deemed somewhat intelligent, depending on how the term is defined and the definer's sense of charity. They are not big on reasoned response, preferring ritual in all things.
A member of the herd which is not good at ritual is forced into the lowest rank of the social order, and kept there by attacks when it attempts to better its condition.
Some are actually forced out of the herd. Most of them die from this, sooner or later; they need others around them.
A few outcasts do not die, but become predators. They return to the herd and slaughter as many as possible before being killed themselves.
The response of the animals that drove them out is generally to claim they need tougher gun laws.
10th July 2016
As President I will have the administrators of any school that sends students out to raise money for a school activity arrested by Federal Marshals for violation of the Child Labor Laws, and fined twice the amount to be raised. :
This includes private schools. Offenders who resist arrest will be subdued with rulers.
9th July 2016
Since the only economic justification for compulsory education with Federal funding is to prepare students to get jobs, when I am President I will order the Department of Education to cut off funding for any school where the phys-ed department has a higher share of the budget than the ratio of professional athletes to all employed persons in the country. :
This figure is about one part in 2000.
If the professional sports industry wants more money spent on training prospective employees, they are free to spend it themselves.
—Please note that this reform will apply to all schools from kindergarten to college.
8th July 2016
As President I would also enforce the Uniform Code of Military Justice upon all Federal employees who claim military ranks. The CIA, for example.
7th July 2016
As President I would push for a law that requires all police officers who refer to citizens as "civilians" to be subject to the Uniform Code of Military Justice, including immediate arrest and military court-martial for desertion if they quit their jobs.
6th July 2016
As President I promise to live on my goddamn salary.
5th July 2016
In the course of my duties as President I shall hold regularly-scheduled press conferences, where I open with the most enormous whopper I can think of, then invite questions about the topic. Anybody who fails to keep a straight face will not be invited back. :
I realize I will not be the first President to do this, but I will be the first to admit
I'm doing it.
The exact time of these press conferences will depend in part on whether George R. R. Martin can keep Game of Thrones
going past 2020.
(And whether he can get the Haviland Tuf stories filmed.)
4th July 2016
In keeping with the spirit of the day, I promise that as President I will retask the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, and Firearms to oversee quality control.
3rd July 2016
As Commander-in-Chief of the Armed Forces, I would give my lowest-ranking employees a pay raise to minimum wage 24 hours a day, with an additional 25 cents an hour for each added rank, and further raises for all ranks in the same proportion as the increase in Congressional salaries.
2nd July 2016
As President I shall require the auditors of the Internal Revenue Service to restrict their attentions to Federal employees and to elected officials, the latter not to be restricted to Federal offices.
1st July 2016
In my Presidential inauguration speech I shall undertake to mention "the planet Pluto" at least three times.
30th June 2016
As President I shall also declare a tax amnesty on all income from original work, including art, photography, writing, and broadcast media. :
This amnesty will not exempt income from news coverage, on the grounds that the people who do it assert that they are reporting facts, and therefore no originality may be claimed.
It will apply to porn.