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Oh my God. I'm the tin dog.

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29th August 2014

12:01am: What? 427
Couvillon's Principle
"No country has a right to exist except that which it enforces by persuasion, diplomacy, trickery, or force of arms. Of the four, force of arms trumps all."

The subject arose during a discussion of Israel's defending the Gaza coastline against a fleet of Islamic blockade runners.

28th August 2014

12:01am: What? 426
It is now officially a cliche: whenever some Good Guy gets made into a war cyborg, decides not to be a killer, and runs off, a Bad Guy is hastily sent after him with the upgrade.

Therefore I want to see this scene:

GG is attacked and knocks a little bitty panel off BG's gear.

They fight some more.

GG pokes a little pin into the exposed region.

BG freezes up and smoke starts coming out.

GG looks him in the eye and says, "Didn't watch the tutorial, didja?"

27th August 2014

12:01am: What? 425
I have, over the years, heard many references to the "International Jewish Conspiracy".

A conspiracy is, by definition, three or more people agreeing to undertake an illicit action together.

Have you ever seen three Jews deciding where to have lunch?

I have.

Next.

26th August 2014

12:01am: What? 424
I suppose I am prejudiced.

I admire Jews. I find black people very sensible. I prefer talking to women, whose interests are not tiresome or bizarre. I would trust an Oriental to run just about anything.

(And yes, including a vehicle. Sulu never sideswiped anybody with the Enterprise.)

25th August 2014

12:01am: What? 423
I have seen the way banking is done.

In 54 years I've known plenty of Jews.

Any one of them could do a better job.

...The thing that gets me about conspiracy hypotheses is that they tend to be even stupider than real life. Which takes some doing.

24th August 2014

12:01am: What? 422
Recently watched a lot of Dr. Who episodes.

Kept thinking:

"Oh my God! They killed Rory!"

"You bastards!"

23rd August 2014

12:01am: What? 421
"Today's word is 'espoused'. Can anyone use it in a sentence? --Yes?"

"'You ain't espoused to be here.'"

22nd August 2014

12:01am: What? 420
I have repeatedly heard stuff about "making a relationship work".

It has come to me that that is insane.

A personality is not a machine that can be fitted to another such machine; it is an ad hoc collection of accumulated random parts, many of which are damaged, and which run up against another person's collection on close contact. Sometimes there is accidental meshing. There is no standard gear size, so the fit is unpredictable. When the damaged area on a part of one person moves against the damaged area of a part of another person, there is a horrible grinding.

Then the parts move on.

It's not rocket science.

It for damn sure isn't psychiatry, either.

21st August 2014

12:01am: What? 419
There is an attitude common among police that they are an army, fighting a war against crime.

Maybe I missed something, but is it common for soldiers to whine and snivel about having to deal with opponents who are armed?

Or to be so inept at combat as to be frightened enough to shoot an unarmed opponent because he's big?

20th August 2014

12:01am: What? 418
"Two removes equal one fire." - Benjamin Franklin

"Can I have half a fire next time?" - Matthew Joseph Harrington

19th August 2014

12:01am: What? 417
I realize there are women who do not believe bigger is better.

That being said, I still don't consider "AAAAAGGGGHHH, GET IT AWAY, KILL IT WITH FIRE!" to be an appropriate response.

18th August 2014

12:01am: What? 416
"So, do I sign in blood?"

"No, nowadays we get DNA from a cheek swab."

"Oh. Much more civilized."

"Screw civilized. It's accurate. We did a deal with a guy who took our goods and started doing good works to reform, and when the retrieval team went to grab him they ended up face to face with a bone marrow donor."

"Oops. Awkward."

"Awkward my ass, do you know what you have to go through to donate bone marrow? And what kind of person you have to be to do it? That bastard fried every demon who touched him."

17th August 2014

12:01am: What? 415
If you can't say anything nice about anyone, maybe you're a fucking asshole.

16th August 2014

12:01am: What? 414
If you can't say anything nice about someone, maybe you're talking to a fucking asshole.

15th August 2014

12:01am: What? 413
I once, despite Valerie's kindhearted warnings, sat through the movie Barry Lyndon, and, having been reminded of it recently, have come up with a capsule review in one sentence:

"Stanley Kubrick's blockbuster amorality play, in which the title character's every endeavor is successful until the moment he inexplicably decides to do something decent."

14th August 2014

12:01am: What? 412
Climate Creation Scientists have discovered another phlogiston spill.

13th August 2014

12:01am: What? 411
Q: Who has sworn eternal vigilance in defending mankind from windmills and roadrunners?

A: Don Coyote.

12th August 2014

12:01am: What? 410
Assisting the Karma Police

For this you will need:

A person who borrows money and later denies it.

Hundreds of photos of said person.

A similar number of 12-inch wooden rulers.

Whistles, same number.

A well-made steel-framed wire cage.

Three kittens.

A Girl Scout jamboree. (Or whatever they call them.)

Arrange for the borrower to meet you at the jamboree well after it begins. You show up early. When the little girls start arriving, pass out photos, rulers, and whistles, explaining that this is the notorious Kitten Eater of Memphis and he is believed to be in the area. "If he speaks to you, don't listen, just put your fingers in your ears and scream, because he knows hypnosis. Don't go near him alone or with less than twenty people, he's a maniac. If you see him, whistle for help."

Wait for the Borrower to show up. Immediately hand him a cage full of kittens and say, "I've been drinking lemonade since I got here, hold these, okay?"

Then run out of sight, get your videocamera, and wait for the whistles.

Bye the bye:

Before doing this, be very sure you don't need him for anything ever again. If he has attended parochial school for as much as a week, it is likely he will be writing home with Crayolas for the rest of his life.

11th August 2014

10:06pm: Robin Williams has died in a manner suggesting suicide.
"The secret source of humor itself is not joy, but sorrow." - Mark Twain
12:01am: What? 409
I have ideas all the time.
I rarely have the time or energy to implement them.

For example, keeping a tank of helium next to the phone in case of telemarketers.

10th August 2014

12:01am: What? 408
Two rich guys are arguing politics. One finally says, "Look, I'll bet you a million dollars Obama gets reelected and sets up total health care!"

"You're on," says the other.

They go to a notary and record the bet, and as they're leaving the office the guy who bet on Obama steps off the curb in front of a bus.
He opens his eyes in a hospital room, and is amazed he's not in pain. His friend is there, not looking well.

"I had you frozen," says his friend. "It's been twenty years. I have good news and bad news. The good news is, you won the bet." He gets out his wallet and fishes out a note. "The bad news is, I don't have change for a billion."

9th August 2014

12:01am: What? 407
The concept of "Bible as Literature" is well-conceived but poorly executed; the people doing the examination are professors of literature, i.e., they got teaching jobs because they couldn't write anything that would be bought by anyone who didn't need it to pass the course. This is like having physical fitness taught by bullies whose notions of medicine are Medieval where they're not actually insane.

Hmm.

Okay, bad example.

The point is, nobody (except Harlan Ellison, who was doing something else) has ever taken a sensible look at the plotting and characterization.

Both look nasty from Chapter One. Big tree, middle of garden, have to pass by it no matter where you're going. We don't need a Redeemer from an Original Sin that has a fence around it, do we? Or Exodus. Who sent them to Egypt in the first place? There are plenty of other examples.

Every problem that the Jews are "saved" from is something Yahweh did to them.

Yahweh is the Wesley Crusher of deities.

8th August 2014

12:01am: What? 406
Various people advise putting an open box of baking soda in your fridge to soak up bad smells.

This strikes me as a Louis XIV sort of approach to bad smells.

Of course, it does have the virtue of making sure that when you eat something and die it's a complete surprise.

7th August 2014

12:01am: What? 405
Doesn't the phrase "human resources" sound like an organlegging term?

6th August 2014

12:01am: What? 404
"We can't afford a cat."

"You cost more than a cat. I'd trade if I could find a sucker."
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