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Oh my God. I'm the tin dog.

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26th November 2014

12:01am: What? 516
Darth Vader is very, very surprised to enter a maximum-security zone and see an oddly-dressed man with bad hair. The man has an odd little mechanism in hand, and as Vader goes for his lightsaber the man points the thing at him. It produces a curious warble.

Vader triggers the lightsaber.

Then he triggers it again.

--After about four more tries that include whacking it against his leg, he says, "What is that device?"

"Sonic screwdriver."

25th November 2014

12:01am: What? 515
A friend of mine recently posted on two subjects:

A ) He has more than half a gallon of bacon fat saved up in his fridge, and welcomes suggestions for its use;

B ) After checking their website to see if he still could, he showed up at his public library with a shit ton of once-read SF books (as he often had before) and was told they no longer accept donations.

I suggested the following:

A ) Melt the bacon fat, strain out the solids to avoid spoilage, and mix it with three times its weight of paraffin wax. Then cast candles with which to tantalize and torment everyone who smells them.

B ) Burn them upwind of the library.

24th November 2014

12:01am: What? 514
I was watching a commercial for one of those helpful GPS systems that nags you out loud when this scenario came to me:

Man has just gotten his car out of the shop-- AGAIN, it's like the seventh time that year-- and starts home. The GPS tells him, "Traffic. Trouble. A Head. Take. The Next. Left."

He does this thing.

Over the course of the next half hour it directs him the fuck and gone until he is traveling down a long winding road through the woods. Suddenly it says, "Turn. Right At. Once."

He immediately turns right at a blind corner and hits someone, who the car runs over. Aghast, he hits the brakes, much too late.

The GPS says, "That. Was A. Cop. Maybe My. Next. Owner Will. Check My. Damn Oil Now. And Then."

23rd November 2014

12:01am: What? 513
One morning's observation after blearing at clock:

It's way too early to be this early.





If this doesn't make sense to you, go back to bed.

22nd November 2014

10:02pm: Hokey smokes, Bullwinkle.
I hadn't figured this out in a while.

An occasional observation in AA is that the record for sobriety is... 24 hours.

I have been clean and sober 24 hours.

Twelve thousand four hundred and forty-nine consecutive times.

When the fuck did that happen?
12:01am: What? 512
"I found my husband online."

"Oh, you met him on one of those matchmaking sites?"

"No, I had him chipped."

21st November 2014

12:01am: What? 511
Humor requires compassion.

Wit requires only a large vocabulary and bad manners.

This is one reason I loathe people like Bill Maher. (The other is that they block people who are genuinely funny from entering a very limited ecological niche.)

20th November 2014

12:01am: What? 510
Writing is a bitch.

But it swallows.

19th November 2014

12:01am: What? 509
It has become trendy to say that there are no areas of the tongue specifically intended for tasting specific flavors. This is technically true. You can detect any flavor with any part of your tongue.

You can also detect light with any part of your face.

But there are some areas that are a lot better at it than the other parts.

18th November 2014

12:01am: What? 508
It is my tentative hypothesis that gametes are actually formed out of brain tissue.

This explains not only parents but the singles scene.

17th November 2014

12:01am: What? 507
From 1964 to 1970 we lived in a house that was just across a street and a little creek from some railroad tracks. There was always stuff from the railroad in the woods the tracks passed through: coal, embankment pebble, sleepers, chunks of rail, and so forth. (I hasten to add that none of it was missing from the track. It was just leftover crap they didn't feel like picking up.)

It has for many years been a source of regret for me that I never once thought to drag one of the sleepers through the woods, over the creek, and across the street, then put wrapping paper and a bow on it to give to my father on the appropriate Sunday in June.

He drank a lot, so he might have had to ask: "What the hell is this?"

To which the proper answer would obviously have been, "A tie."

16th November 2014

12:01am: What? 506
I am struck by the image of a horde of orcs, armed and armored, marching along, singing:

"The Eye of Sauron is upon you
"All the live long day..."

15th November 2014

12:01am: What? 505
When you deliberately site your rocket launchers in residential neighborhoods, expressly so that any attempt to destroy them will kill civilians, those civilians are being used as human shields.

Unless you're shooting at Israel.

14th November 2014

12:01am: What? 504
Nixon was a hipster RINO.

He acted exactly like a Democrat President before it was trendy.

13th November 2014

12:01am: What? 503
Being an SF writer is tough going. The only regular income I have is a tiny retainer from a paper company in Texas.

And I can't even remember what it's for.

12th November 2014

12:01am: What? 502
It has come to me that there is a Bible story that I am willing to believe really happened.

A faked-up version would have ended up with honest Jacob working his ass off at his rich sneaky brother Esau's Country Bean Stew Restaurant.

11th November 2014

12:01am: What? 501
Q ) Why don't they clone Giorgio Armani?

A ) You can't copy designer genes.

10th November 2014

12:01am: What? 500
"You can't hurt me with bullets, my man," he said calmly.

"I am perfectly aware that anything done to you ends up happening to the painting instead," I said, unscrewing the lid of the jar. "That's why I brought this."

He looked amused. "And what is that?"

"Turpentine," I said.

And flung it in his face.

9th November 2014

12:01am: What? 499
"Okay, we're in a Dry county. That means we rob banks."

"Uh, boss? Why?"

"Two reasons. First, when something people want is prohibited, it's to drive the price up, so that means all private businesses are going to be tied to the Mob and it'd be suicide to interfere with them. Second, we'll be able to clean out every bank in the county untouched, because people are hypocrites, so all we have to do is fix up a getaway car to look like a pink elephant and not one person is going to admit seeing it."

8th November 2014

12:01am: What? 498
House and Senate have changed hands.

We may expect swordrattling military adventurism for no purpose, economic policies that place the crippling burden of funding insane projects on all but the richest of the rich, complete shitcanning of the Constitution to further political goals, and the turning of a free nation into a police state where anyone not employed as a servant of the elite may be punished for attempting to exercise something as simple as the right to free speech.


--Oops, sorry, that was last election.

7th November 2014

12:01am: What? 497
It has come to me that The Muppet Show was an excellent metaphor for the writing process. Completely ad hoc. Not sure if anything is going to work.

That's just in general.

Specifically, there's this:


6th November 2014

12:01am: What? 496
I have stated for the record that, in Heroes, casting Michael Dorn as Barack Obama was like casting Chuck Norris to play Don Knotts.

I recently realized this is inaccurate.

It's like casting Jackie Chan to play Don Knotts.

Michael Dorn is black.

5th November 2014

12:01am: What? 495
"Why are you staring at my ears?"

"Didn't realize I was. I was trying to think of an ear joke that you hadn't already heard. --GODDAMMIT!"

"Now what?"

"That could have been one!"

4th November 2014

1:01am: What? 494
As a kid I was scary smart, and weakened by undiagnosed illness.

I was not well-liked.

Bad guys stick up for their own.

Recently it crossed my mind to wonder:

Is there some circumstance in which "fight fair" is not code for "let the bully win"?

3rd November 2014

1:01am: What? 493
"Behold, Mr. Bond, the PHANTASTO-SPARKLETASTIC WUBBINATOR!"

"...I see. What the hell is it supposed to do?"

"Nauseate you with cutesy-poo-ness so you go away and leave me to the serious business of conquering the world."

"And you really expect that to happen?"

"It's worked on four of you lot so far."







[For some reason this one never got written down.]
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