?

Log in

Oh my God. I'm the tin dog.

Recent Entries

You are viewing the most recent 25 entries.

3rd September 2015

5:40am: Answer for question 4499.
How much of a "planner" are you? Do you like to have everything mapped out in detail in advance, or do you just wing it most of the time? Tell us about a time you had something all planned out but it ended up going completely off the rails.
Sorry, no time.

I have an hour free the second week in November if you want.
12:01am: What? 796
Saying you hate Christians is like saying you hate plants. (Here I refer not to the disturbing similarity some Christians actually have to plants, but to how very many different franchises there are.)

The "diverse" kinds of Moslem, on the other hand, are as different as the various forms of tapeworm: the only difference it makes to anybody but another tapeworm is when and how they kill you.

2nd September 2015

12:49pm: financial update
According to the most recent report from Amazon, my best bet is to attract Kindle customers in India.

Perhaps there is some way to notify them that one of my other works included a nanobot that caused bullies to suffer terminal craniovascular events.

Terrorists and those who support them, for instance.
12:01am: What? 795
One day recently I awoke with the sudden realization that the dirtiest advertising slogan in history is "Taste the Rainbow."



This is by no means to be taken as a criticism.



Except insofar as Skittles contain corn syrup and may kill you with compulsive eating or kidney stones.

1st September 2015

12:01am: What? 794
My idea for a true superhero is someone who crumples the private automobiles of primary-school teachers into compact wads, then attaches a note that says:

YOU DIDN'T BRING ENOUGH CARS FOR EVERYBODY.

31st August 2015

8:39am: Answer for question 4496.
What is your favorite word? Why is it so significant to you? How often do you use it?
Shoehorn.

It's kind of hard to explain.
12:01am: What? 793
Dumpy
Crappy
Creepy
Sleazy
Gropey
Dork
and Rashful.

I do not have a story for this. Feel free to use it.

Now it's your problem.

30th August 2015

12:01am: What? 792
As Valerie was taking her socks off at the end of another long day, they resisted, and I suddenly thought of something (which I did not tell her until they were off):

What if socks are members of an alien race that sends us its perverts? Not all of them, just the ones who have a terrible need to have something huge inserted into their entire bodies.




AUTHORS: THINKING OF THIS STUFF SO YOU DON'T HAVE TO!

29th August 2015

12:01am: What? 791
It occurs to me that the guy who invented the mammography machine may have seen or heard one too many examples of specious sophistry about how a condom will easily fit over a cucumber*.

It's revenge.








(*Which of course has no circulation to cut off nor pubic hair to rip out.)


AUTHORS: THINKING OF THIS STUFF SO YOU DON'T HAVE TO!

28th August 2015

12:01am: What? 790
I herewith propose the adoption of a Constitutional Amendment requiring all uses of the word "Agency" by government offices to be replaced with the word "Racket".

The National Security Racket would be given much less leeway. (Still too much, but... baby steps.)

The National Air and Space Racket would have to come up with something besides television programs to show for its budget.

The Transportation Safety Racket would have to account to the FBI for why all the billions of dollars it spends harassing citizens and conducting searches without any warrants have failed to catch one terrorist.

Mind you, the Environmental Protection Racket would, in all likelihood, be utterly unaffected.

It's not like they've ever made any bones about it.

27th August 2015

12:01am: What? 789
It has struck me that the outfits worn by castle staff in England are not merely outdated, but actually the formal wear of an entirely previous dynasty.

This is as if servants at the court of Henry VIII wore nothing but woad.

(Of course, Henry would probably have gone along with that.)

26th August 2015

12:01am: What? 788
Ultimate Washington Post headline:

SUN EXPLODES
NASA BLAMES GLOBAL WARMING

25th August 2015

12:01am: What? 787
Another realization about House:

Who is the neighbor of Dennis the Menace?

24th August 2015

12:01am: What? 786
Given that the Democrats are doing anything they can think of to support and defend the Islamic slave trade and reboot of the Shoah, I gather that "right-wing" means whatever our current National crop of Socialists wants to belittle at a given moment.

23rd August 2015

12:01am: What? 785
I get why people don't like being called "cis". It means "not yet". People have every reason to be terrified of being relegated to a status equated with children.

I don't find it offensive to be called "cis", though as a writer I do find it kind of annoying; I think "iso" is a more accurate word, and it carries less baggage for trans and iso alike.

22nd August 2015

12:01am: What? 784
A friend of mine here has recently been bitterly disappointed once again.

Some people are forced to go through life with a heart that's half empty.

21st August 2015

12:01am: What? 783
Between the serial rapists and the defenders of the "religious freedoms" of Moslems, I have to say that, over the last 39 years, it has been thoroughly established that women who vote for Democrats are like fetuses who vote for abortion.

20th August 2015

6:54am: Answer for question 4489.
Do you ever have problems sleeping? What do you do in order to fall back to sleep? What sleep aid products do you find most helpful, if any?
I'm posting this at eight minutes to midnight, and I hate you.

Anybody who asks if you "have trouble sleeping" gets enough sleep to consider the issue unusual.
12:01am: What? 782
When I was a kid, Smokey the Bear used to say, "Only you can prevent forest fires."

Every time I hear of one I'm racked with guilt.






(How did he know?)

19th August 2015

12:01am: What? 781
"Did anyone come by when I was asleep, dear?"

"A lady said she was collecting for the Mothers of the Republic, but I made her go away."

"How did you get someone obsessed with increasing the population of the City to go away?"

"I told her you were tired and that my name was Vigintimus. She gave me a sestertius for you, here."

"...Keep it. You're a good son, Gaius."

18th August 2015

6:15am: Answer for question 4487.
Which song do you hate the most (whether new or old), and wish you never had to hear again? Why do you despise it so much?
Hmm, I think I'll try to remember every piece of garbage I was ever earwormed by. Oh wait, I'm not an idiot.

Whatever hellspawn thought this one up should have a full-body wax.
12:01am: What? 780
"So what other benefits does the Precision Killers' Union have?"

"Reliable supplies, regular proficiency testing and training, half price for any job one of us wants done, and two insurance policies."

"Why not one big one?"

"They're not the same. The first is that if you die on the job, the underwriter pays the beneficiary with no questions asked. The second is that the rest of us immediately drop everything and go after the sonofabitch who did it."

17th August 2015

12:01am: What? 779
"The benefits in the Precision Killers' Union are pretty good. Full medical coverage, and we have doctors who actually listen, and don't jump to conclusions and interrupt with a hasty diagnosis."

"That's a neat trick."

"Not when you consider they all know you can kill a man with your thumb."

TO BE CONTINUED.

16th August 2015

12:01am: What? 778
"You the who what now?"

"I'm inviting you to join the Precision Killers' Union."

"You mean an Assassins' Guild?"

"Actually it's one of our bylaws that we're not changing the name to that unless a member can prove that he or she is, in fact, an elf."

TO BE CONTINUED.

15th August 2015

12:01am: What? 777
Q: Assuming there's a God and a Heaven, and that you go to Heaven when you die and meet God, what would you want God to say to you?

A: "Who are you?"
Powered by LiveJournal.com