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25th October 2016
RUMOR OF THE WEEK: :
The story that Hillary has to take opiates for a spinal injury, like JFK, is not true.
It is actually a severe burn scar from the time she was accidentally brushed by Wonder Woman's lasso.
24th October 2016
When I am President, the Surgeon-General will be empowered to exact heavy fines upon medical practicioners who interrupt patients. :
Those who prescribe allergy medications for people with agonizing sinus infections will be sent to Gitmo.
(I had a bad experience Friday. I did, in fact, call the DHS, and reported that I was being used as a Petri dish to breed a superbug, a clear and present danger to public welfare. I have not been so enraged this century.)
23rd October 2016
I keep encountering the term "fantasy football," and I am finally calling bullshit. :
Fatasy football is Quidditch
22nd October 2016
One of the deliberate errors which arose during the Victorian Era* was the practice of pronouncing "Pisces" with a long "i"; that is, "Pie-sees." :
Does anybody say "pie-scatorial" when they talk about fishing?
(Okay, not many say "piscatorial" either, but those who do pronounce it with a short "i".)
The correct pronunciation for the constellation, used for it by those who named it and everyone else until the Bowdler Age, is "Piss-ease."
Failure to do this has resulted in angry gods inflicting upon random innocents a steadily-increasing number of cases of prostate disease.
(*Interestingly, I almost spelled that "Error"; and I am not sure that I was right to refrain from doing so.)
AUTHORS: THINKING OF THIS STUFF SO YOU DON'T HAVE TO!
21st October 2016
As President I will sponsor an Amendment that has everybody vote for : two
candidates, for the Presidency
-- no votes for Vice-President. The two would have to be from different Parties or the ballot would be invalid*. The Electoral College will be disbanded, since it was only established to protect slaveowners' interests anyway, so whoever gets the plurality of popular votes is President, and whoever is in second place will be VP.
This will make sure that whoever is in the White House is the most satisfactory candidate to the most people.
(In 2016 I see this as a Libertarian landslide.)
(*People who are too stupid to get this right are certainly too stupid to be trusted with any say in government, and this includes everyone who insists on voting a Party line, and those who think the 12th Amendment was anything but a deliberate piece of corruption specifically intended to remove the right to choose candidates from the hands of the Common Dirt.)
20th October 2016
I have noticed a fascinating phenomenon. :
Religious fanatics who hear observations that contradict dogma immediately label these observations "opinions". It's an absolutely certain way of identifying a religious fanatic.
--In the category of religions I of course include any franchise of socialism.
It demands sacrifices.
It requires rigorous obedience.
It punishes heretics.
It attacks people who will not convert.
It has absolutely no evidence that it works.
And it makes promises of paradise that will all be fulfilled... Someday.
19th October 2016
Awe makes you say "Whoa!" :
Woe makes you say, "Aww."
These words were obviously coined on a Friday.
18th October 2016
RUMOR OF THE WEEK: :
Members of the United States Air Force who are given rifles are also issued orange uniforms.
17th October 2016
My Presidential Administration will prosecute all civil rights violations. :
This may result in a Constitutional challenge, since no President has ever exercised this particular power.
16th October 2016
My friend : idahoswede
has reminded me that there are innocent people being held captive by forces other than religious ones, to wit: there is a $5000 "exit fee" for citizens of the United States who wish to remove to another country and give up US citizenship*.
I remember watching the discussions of the bill that set this up, long ago; and I remember how I felt about it then; and as President I will be more than happy to prosecute the former members of Congress who voted for the thing, on charges of demand of ransom-- which carries an automatic death sentence.
And thanks for the reminder.
(*There is absolutely no sane and honest reason for this. Are we to believe that somebody who moves back to Ruritania or wherever is going to be able to bring home secrets that are not already being published by the New York Times?)
15th October 2016
I have finally figured out why MASH was funny. :
I don't mean the book or the movie, nor even the early period of the TV show when Jackie Cooper was in charge; those were simply the antics of doctors who'd gotten through medical school with Army money, showed up to do their payback, decided that the only thing they gave a shit about was doing the surgery right, and spent the rest of their time just screwing around and figuring out how to get out of trouble when they were caught at it.
The TV show after Alan Alda took over was very different, and as I say I have finally figured out what was funny.
Hawkeye is insane.
The only thing that temporarily restores him to sanity is putting a prepped patient on the table in front of him. Then he turns into fucking Asclepius.
The rest of the time he lives in a world of pure and undiluted make-believe.
Everything that happens in the show is seen through Hawkeye's reality-filtration system, whether he's onstage or not. This is why every character who's trying to win the war is a one-dimensional caricature who could never exist in real life.
Mind you, there is one
one-dimensional caricature who actually could, and does, frequently exist in real life:
And this is why directors cannot be allowed creative control unless they are actual writers.
14th October 2016
As President, since I am Constitutionally obliged to decide whether to veto or approve any bill within ten days of receiving it, and therefore have to be able to read the goddamn thing within ten days, I will automatically veto any bill which has not been read aloud : in the presence of everyone who votes on it
, on the grounds that it is an attempt to circumvent the Constitution.
13th October 2016
TODAY'S SUDDEN THOUGHT
The Libertarian Party should raise money for the next campaign by selling shirts that say :
DON'T BLAME ME, I VOTED FOR GARY JOHNSON
I figure there's going to be a big market no matter who wins.
There are two kinds of people, and I don't have labels for them since I'm the second kind.
12th October 2016
I don't give a shit what the illiterati Officially Decide, today is Columbus Day.
11th October 2016
It's Tuesday, and time again for Rumor of the Week! :
In the new Dances With Smurfs movie, unobtainium will be revealed to be a decay product of balonium.
10th October 2016
As President I will deal with illegal immigration in a long-term way by making a deal with the government of Mexico to dig a sea-level canal through the Isthmus of Tehuantepec, for which we will lend them the money in return for a share of the canal fees. :
This will provide many jobs while the blasting charges are being set, and when ships start going through that instead of the joke in Panama it will make Mexico a terrifically rich country, not so much from fees as from the four resort towns, two flanking each end. One of these towns will have an American naval base in it, preventing people from making trouble in the passage, and making damn sure we get our money back.
Also, since the Pacific sea level is about eight feet higher than the Atlantic sea level, it will do miracles for Mexico's fishing industry as new nutrients come steadily in from the west.
Furthermore, since the constant flow of water will make sure no part of the surface of the Spanish Lake remains still for long, it will prevent the formation of tropical depressions: no more hurricanes, gang. Ever.
And finally, Pacific whales will, sooner or later, discover that riding the current through the canal is fun. However, since going back through from east to west will be pretty much impossible, they will have to swim around South America to do it again, resulting in what are probably always going to be the only ride waits worse than Disneyland.
9th October 2016
During my term in office the Federal government will not employ any person who has a degree in business or education (or both) unless that person actually has run a successful business or taught somebody something useful. :
All such people employed at the time I am sworn in will be pulled off the public tit, and any reference will include the reason stated above.
Sovereign immunity will not be waived, and the Tucker Act does not apply in cases where a contracting party has made the contract under false pretenses.
Regrettably, elected officials are not in my jurisdiction, so all such will remain in office, and any hypothetical persons who spent, say, eight years dithering in the hopes of not having to do something accountable like make a damn decision
will not, I am sad to say, be deprived of their pensions.
Or their Secret Service guards.
8th October 2016
As President I will have the DHS find people who refer to the conflict that began with months of Confederate piracy before the attack on sovereign U.S. territory at Fort Sumter as the "war of Northern aggression" and subject them to the most minute scrutiny, on the grounds that they are advocates of unprovoked military action against the United States of America. :
I will also have them all audited, on the grounds that they are clearly dishonest.
I will also withhold from them my amnesty for unpaid taxes on income below half the salary of a Representative, on the grounds that they are dicks.
7th October 2016
My Administration will defend residents of the United States who wish to quit any organization they belong to, and will prosecute everyone who takes, : or counsels
, action against them, under the RICO act, on grounds of slavery.
I am prepared to recruit the sort of people who participated in the Ruby Ridge and Waco massacres to deal with religions that do this.
6th October 2016
As President I will order the FDA to require competitive bids on prescription drugs from pharmaceutical manufacturers, including foreign ones.
5th October 2016
It occurs to me that I should have explained that when my Administration : seeks to make murder a Federal crime
, this can only be justified by limiting it to the killing of American citizens; this law will, regrettably, not be applicable to, e.g., cases where people in Minnesota decide to build houses out of gingerbread on the border so as to lure Canadian children across to be eaten*.
However, it will ensure that a Federal investigation takes place every time somebody is killed by a cop or dies in police custody.
This will have an additional effect, to wit: cutting the legs out from under the people who cite handgun deaths as a reason to infringe the right to keep and bear arms, since most people who are shot are shot by the police.
(*I'm kidding. Most of the people who would do that have long since moved to Wisconsin.)
4th October 2016
I am introducing a new feature: :
RUMOR OF THE WEEK!
This week's rumor is that Al Gore, not satisfied with the money he has made selling government-subsidized carbon credits to himself, but not wanting to do something that wasn't true to his nature, has finally decided to change his name to Richard Move and sue everybody who uses it without permission.
3rd October 2016
As President I shall order the Attorney-General to leave no stone unturned in gathering proof that the "doctors" who talk about Pain Management are in fact moles for the Christian Scientists.