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Oh my God. I'm the tin dog.

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30th July 2014

12:01am: What? 397
"Say you're sorry."

"Will God send me to Hell if I tell a lie and it's your fault?"

29th July 2014

12:01am: What? 396
I may have figured out why prayer in organized religion gets so few results.

Picture a restaurant where "Happy Birthday" is being sung.

(Sorry.)

Now imagine it being sung by seven billion people.

28th July 2014

12:01am: What? 395
Lestrade was on Moriarty's payroll.

Nobody who's just making honest mistakes gets it wrong every time.

27th July 2014

12:01am: What? 394
We are back from Lodi, and the trip was successful.

Notwithstanding that in the room above ours, Arthur Murray was apparently giving lessons to Ben Grimm.

26th July 2014

12:01am: What? 393
"See, the monkey eats his bread crust."

"Why do they keep him locked up?"

25th July 2014

12:01am: What? 392
"Don't feed that to the dog, it'll make him sick."

"Then why are you feeding it to me?"

24th July 2014

12:01am: What? 391
I don't like getting older.

I do prefer it....

23rd July 2014

12:01am: What? 390
I have come to the realization that the core defect of socialism is that, when it comes to the question of what you are worth as a person, you yourself are not entitled to an opinion.

22nd July 2014

12:01am: What? 389
Everyone's first language is, technically, Gibberish, and I am constantly reminded of this by people who have not managed to lose the accent.

21st July 2014

12:01am: What? 388
"You're just acting out of fear of retribution, like Kubilak the Ostentatious!"

"Who the hell is that?"

"A usurer and a silent partner in businesses all over this continent, and three hundred years ago he was really old and started feeling guilty and established a trust donating all the income from his investments to temples of every god in the pantheon!"

"Huh. What did he die of?"

"What? I didn't hear he was dead, when did that happen?"

"...You do realize you haven't picked the greatest example in the world to criticize me with, right?"

20th July 2014

12:01am: What? 387
IMPORTANT ADVICE FOR WOMEN:

If you are lost, you are ipso facto somewhere you don't want to be.

That means anyone you see there is there for one of two reasons:

1 ) He's lost too, which means he can't help;

2 ) He wants to be there, which, since you don't want to be there, means that there is something terribly, terribly wrong with him, and you should avoid talking to him for any reason.

IMPORTANT ADVICE FOR MEN:

When some man, doom in his face, leans out of his car window with a brightly-smiling woman visible just past him and asks you for directions, GIVE HIM THE WRONG DIRECTIONS. Send him, by a complicated route, to somewhere far, far away from what you were asked for.

The poor bastard has already lost one argument tonight; let him win the next one.

Maybe someone will do the same for you someday.




(The fact that this post was made on the 45th anniversary of an occasion where three guys were able to get to a destination nobody had ever gotten to before without once pulling over and asking for directions is, honestly, a coincidence; I only noticed the date after I began the post.)

19th July 2014

12:01am: What? 386
"Sir, there's such a thing as demarcation."

"Meaning what?"

"Meaning you negotiate the aid treaty, sir, and I do the translations."

"My speech was very well received yesterday, when I expressed my hope that their buildings would be sturdy and their farmland get enough rain. They cheered."

"Sir, what you wished them was firm erections and moist furrows."

18th July 2014

12:01am: What? 385
If watermelon had been served at the Last Supper, EVERYONE would be Christian.

17th July 2014

12:01am: What? 384
You can sure tell Mario Puzo was a mainstream author.

And a New Yorker.

Corrected version:

"Superman, have you heard of the San Andreas Fault?"

"Yes, it's a section of the border where the North American continental plate pushes underneath the Pacific plate. As they come together the edge of the Pacific plate rises while the North American plate crumples from the resistance, which is why there's a double row of mountains in California."

"...But if that's the case, a sudden shock to the fault would cause California to rise higher instead of collapsing into the ocean. That can't be right."

"No, I've looked, and yes, California's coast would rise higher. San Francisco Bay would be extended if it let go all at once, sinking the land at both ends under water, but the force needed to do that would have to be greater than the earthquake of 1906, and that released more energy than any nuclear warhead ever built. Why is it important to you?"

"Um, never mind about that. You say it would submerge only the land along the faultline?"

"From what I've seen, yes."

"Ah. --Let me just use this abort switch and we can continue our discussion in a moment."

16th July 2014

12:01am: What? 383
Does anyone besides me ever feel the temptation to put espresso into a hummingbird feeder just to see and hear the little fireball go BANG?

15th July 2014

12:01am: What? 382
Fiction and real life

A while back I figured out why fiction is hard to sell.
It has to meet a better standard than real life.
This is because people like fiction better than real life.
And this is because fiction is controlled by a writer, while all we have in the real world is a Director.

This also explains why there's no plot, there's lots of explosions, and the star is the Director's girlfriend's illegitimate son.

14th July 2014

12:01am: What? 381
Why is it that when I see the term "PoC", the white person using it always seems to make it rhyme with "WoG"?

13th July 2014

12:01am: What? 380
"Dad, where did I come from?"

"Uh, didn't you read that book we gave you?"

"'The Wonderful Story of How You Were Born'? Sure I read it. I meant really."

"It's all in the book."

"Mom won't spend five minutes to find the right kind of bread for a peanut butter sandwich, so my lunch always looks like it was made with an axe, and I'm supposed to believe she spent nine months on this?"

12th July 2014

12:47pm: Earlier this week I posted this about an unusually stupid troll:

"...since a certain phony who will not reveal his name insists that his cowardice is actually an intelligence test, I will present him with a riddle which can legitimately be solved, as follows:

1 ) gear, usually small and durable;
2 ) actor Clive;
3 ) hang loose;
4 ) nickname for heroin since at least Jack Kerouac;
5 ) my grade;
6 ) immediately follows Night One;
7 ) Edith's obnoxious cousin;
8 ) killer of Steve Irwin;

and the entirety is something he's surely heard many times, if he's really who one of his sycophants says he is."

Neither he nor his adherents have replied to this, nor, indeed, to any comment I have made on the other sites where they customarily troll me, which suggests that this has been more effective than I could possibly have expected.

ANSWERS:

1 ) cog;
2 ) Owen;
3 ) loll;
4 ) H;
5 ) A;
6 ) Day Two;
7 ) Maude;
8 ) ray.

Put them all together and you have an expression in Spanish which is certainly appropriate when spoken to an incompetent historian.
12:01am: What? 379
It occurs to me that if Jesus had had Parkinson's, we'd all be Mithraists.

The Romans couldn't have nailed him up. Moving target.

11th July 2014

12:01am: What? 378
I recently realized that I should have spotted Tim Curry as the villain in the movie Clue very early on.

He had all the best lines.

10th July 2014

12:01am: What? 377
"Ah! Such a face. Like an angel."

"Uh, you mean, full of purpose and devoid of pity?"

9th July 2014

12:01am: What? 376
My father was much given to quoting Rodney Dangerfield's line, "I don't get no respect."

One of my great regrets is that I never told him, "You're getting a hundred-percent return on investment."

8th July 2014

12:01am: What? 375
After hearing a number of stories from people who have raised chickens, it is my conclusion that eggs may be eaten by vegetarians because they are the seeds of a kind of plant.

7th July 2014

12:01am: What? 374
It has suddenly struck me that, since a certain phony who will not reveal his name insists that his cowardice is actually an intelligence test, I will present him with a riddle which can legitimately be solved, as follows:

1 ) gear, usually small and durable;
2 ) actor Clive;
3 ) hang loose;
4 ) nickname for heroin since at least Jack Kerouac;
5 ) my grade;
6 ) immediately follows Night One;
7 ) Edith's obnoxious cousin;
8 ) killer of Steve Irwin;

and the entirety is something he's surely heard many times, if he's really who one of his sycophants says he is.
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